So I've come to the realization that I'm crazy.
But not like, certifiable, straight jacket, electro-shock therapy crazy. I'm just mildly excessive. I do too much, as my daughters tell me all the time.
But I know this about myself.
And I also know that my crazy is mostly internal. I have unnatural fears and anxiety. My friends listen to my rants and answered my late-night texts and handle me like the champs that they are. Because if I say what I’m Scared of out loud, or make it known, my ear communicate to my brain how foolish I sound and I stop myself.
There‘s a method to stopping the madness.
I have a lot of arguments in my head, usually arguing with myself about other people. Not because I don't have good communication skills, because I do. But I just like to be prepared so I have hypothetical conversations with myself before having actual conversations with other people. Its like studying before a test. I just like to be prepared.
If everything when the way it does in my head, things would be fine. But most times I don't even say what's on my mind because I am terrified of what the end result might be. In essence, I talk myself out having real conversations with people because I have an unnatural fear of rejection.
See? I'm crazy.
But, like I said, I know this about myself. There are people in this world that are crazy and have no idea that they are. I mean, if you need proof, take a look at the President of our country. It doesn't get too much crazier than him.
Anyway, my best friend is about to make a life change and I've been scared to death to talk to her about it. I'm as supportive as I can be and I am so proud of her, but it scares me to think that she will be doing something so major. I'm scared for her and, in my crazy mind, I was scared for myself. Because she will be different. In my experience, when people change, they change the company they keep and I had this irrational fear that she would change and decide that she didn't need me anymore.
Which would devastate me.
I worried for the longest time that she would wake up one day and say, "I don't need Sam's ass anymore!"
Crazy, I know. But I already to you; I know.
Long story short, earlier today, I blurted out my fear and she reassured me, exactly the way my best friend does. Mostly because she knows that her best friend is a nutcase, but also because she genuinely loves me like the sister from another mister that we tell other people we are.
When you have real friends, they don't just like you; they understand you. They see you for who you are and not for who you act like you are when other people are around. Real friends see beyond your mask right to your heart. She would go to the end of the Earth for me and I would go just as far for her.
So yeah, I'm crazy. I have stressed more about this blog and my books than I have about more than anything else in my life. I overthink a lot and I don't speak up for myself all the time and I'm horrible at maintaining eye contact, especially when I'm having a serious conversation.
But my friends know that just as much as I do.