I’ve been cursing myself out for a full 24 hours.
I’m sorry. I forgot my good manners.
Okay, now. If you’ve been following me for the last few months, you know that I’m an author and I’ve written 2 pretty amazing #BlackLoveStories. One is called “The Never List“ and the second “The Marriage List”. Well, the second novel was released on my birthday 4/29, and I decided to have a release party. And also, by the title of this here blog, you can see that I am a raging introvert.
I enjoy aggressively minding my business. I enjoy my home and my children and the endearing solitude of silence and peace. I do enjoy going and hanging out with my friends, but it’s very rarely an occasion that spotlights me. I‘m more of a background, supportive type girl. I graciously ease back while my friends take the lead in social situations. Atmosphere, that’s what I call myself. I’m there enough to be recognized as present but not the center of attention. But yet, here I am, hosting a party where people are coming to see me. Me. This girl.
And here is where the tale of endless expletives that I have been hurling at myself the past 24 hours begins.
My lack of desire to be the center of attention and this social anxiety foolishness is a thorn in my side because it’s not just present; it’s taunting. It thinks that it can get the best of me and I’m determined to get rid of it, but it’s not going down without a fight. It constantly whispers in my inner ear that I have a reason to be scared or anxious about hosting an event.
And it’s so stupid because I know it’s not true.
The place I’m having the release party is a place I go all the time. My brother is here and my friends and co-workers will be there. I have a really cute outfit all laid on my work table. All the thank you gifts are done. The centerpieces are made. The t-shirts are pressed. For all intent and purposes, I’m ready. Everything pad been taken care of.
So why are my insides quivering???
Because that’s what social anxiety does to me. It gives me these super unnecessary fears about things that I have no business being scared of. Being an introvert is fine. Doesn’t bother me at all. But I am really REALLY trying to get rid of this other anxiety mess. Irrational fear is real and fake at the same time. It’s real because I can actually feel it like any other emotion and it’s fake because it’s baseless. I have no reason to be anxious I have no reason to be scared. I don’t have any enemies (that I know of) and there is no verifiable fact on God’s green and blue Earth that gives any of the whispering in the inner most parts of my brain footing to be as bold and brash as it is.
But it’s definitely a little on the bitchy side this morning.
Well, I’ve had about enough of this. I’m going to finish this shift at work and I’m gonna go home and get all gussied up to go and celebrate a very admirable accomplishment. Not only do I deserve the celebrate but I deserve to have a good time. I’ve written 2 whole books that actually make sense and are entertaining. I’m putting this anxiety stuff on notice that it’s time taking up space in my brain is coming to an end. I’ve had enough and I’m over it. Done. Finished. Over it. It’s above me now.
I’m letting my badassery flag fly, social anxiety and all...