Grand Rising, good people!
I recently got the hang of using Instagram and, lo and behold, I had a DM full of questions from people that need some advice. And they decided to ask me! Isn't that fabulous?
Okay, here we go:
"My girlfriend recently left me. We have been together for 8 years and living together for the past five, and have 3 children, 12, 11 and 6: we both have one from previous marriage, and we have one together. We both have really good jobs and have established a pretty comfortable life together. I have never loved a woman the way that I love her and I've never been in love like this before. I thought that everything was fine between us, but I came home one day and all of her clothes and the kids clothes and stuff were gone. No warning. We've never even had a fight or argument. I called and text her for almost a week before she finally agreed to talk to me about what was going on.
She told me that she found out about a few times that I cheated on her. I still don't know how she found out because she said it doesn't matter. I'll admit, I stepped out on her a few times, but it was just sex. No relationships or anything. And, I stopped when I found out she was pregnant with our daughter. That's when I realized that I really love her and I want her to be my wife. I told her the truth. She said that she will never even consider coming back home, even though I've been apologizing and doing everything I can to try to show her just how much I love her. I bought her an engagement ring and everything! But she won't listen to me.
Can you tell me how I can get her to understand that my cheating was in the past and I'm a good guy? I feel like she shouldn't even be mad now because she didn't know about it then. We need to leave the past in the past and move forward. I want my girl and I to raise our kids together and be a real family. How can I get my girl to forgive me and be my wife???"
Let me first say that these three paragraphs just made me nauseous.
Now I was on your side for about 10 seconds into reading this monstrosity. I read the whole things twice and I'm still confused but I will do my best to help you out.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that offend you? Not as much as you offended the so called “Love of Your Life“ though. But maybe name calling is a bit insensitive. But not as insensitive as you thinking that you could cheat on your girlfriend MORE THAN ONCE and she would still want to marry you. I don't know what is worse: the fact that you cheated or the fact that you're so self-absorbed that you think it shouldn't matter because she didn't know about it while it was going on.
Sometimes I think that people need to hear things in a different way to grasp the full understanding of the situation. Let's turn things around a little:
Your girl cheated on you, but you didn't find out until you proposed.
That hit different that time, didn't it?
Do you see how much pain your actions caused? This woman has an established life with you. She was married before and for some reason she isn't anymore. That means that there has been the pain of at least 1 break up in her life. She had to learn how to stop loving someone, love herself, love on with her life, take care of her baby and heal BEFORE she met you. So when you first got together, she was guarded and vigilant, watching for any signs that this relationship would be like the last, and you acted in such a way that she fell for your okedoke.
Okay, let's say that you really had the best intentions for your relationship and you were in love with her. You still cheated! You slept with other women. A few meaning at least 3. 3 times or 3 women?
You know what? Nevermind.
That was 3 times that you were out being intimate with other women while she was at home, holding down your household. 3 lies that you told so that she wouldn't know what you were out doing. 3 exposures to STIs that she wasn't aware of. 3 nights that you could have spent showing her how much you love her instead of betraying her trust.
Let me go out on a limb and say, "Okay Bro. It was just sex. And it was a couple of years ago. You love her and want to be with her."
The fact of the matter is that she will never be able to fully trust you again and, even if she could, the amount if time, patience and dedication that you would need to win back her affection would probably wear you out.
I'm sure you love your girl and you love your family. But bottom line is, you messed all that up not keeping it in your pants. Being in love is easy, but being in a relationship can be hard. You have to decide that you want it and work at it.
It just seems like your decision was made a little too late...