Updated: Jan 19, 2019
I’ve become a very driven person.
I’ve had more than one individual tell me that they admire my persistence in doing things that I want to do.
I said I wanted to be a phlebotomist.
I said I wanted to write a book.
I said I wanted to go on a cruise.
I said I wanted to be able to take care of my children without asking for help.
I have done or am doing all of those things but my goals don’t stop there. There are still a plethora of desires and aspirations that I have written down in my journal. Things that I want to see, touch, experience and do. I decided a while ago that they weren't wishes: they’re plans.
And sometimes I don’t think I’m worthy of the plans that I’ve made.
Let me share something personal with you. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. Yes, it’s a real-life situation and yes, I’ve been diagnosed my a licensed physician. Basically its a mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety. It makes it extremely difficult for me to do things that require social settings. Something as simple as going to dinner with friends used to terrify me. I used floating to cope for a while and now I can deal better with it, but it still paralyzed me sometimes. And because of this fear that I have, it keeps me from #6 on my list of things to do: being more social.
I mean, I go to work. I hang out with my friends. I go to my Chapter meetings. But I’m comfortable around those people. My fear comes in the form of unrecognized faces. Literally, shaking in my boots. If I'm in a room full of people I don't know, I will stare at my black phone screen just to avoid eye contact with strangers. I would see them glance my way and convince myself they were talking about me or thinking bad things about me. I get super self-conscious about my weight, the gap in my teeth, my hair. Did I pick the right outfit? Am I wearing cute enough shoes? Maybe I’ll just go sit in the car until I see a familiar face. Is she staring at me? Maybe I’ll just go home...
It sounds unreasonable and I agree. My brain says I’m overreacting and just relax but the anxiety starts arguing with my brain and usually it means that I’m almost sprinting to the car before the night is over, crying while I drive home. Just like the Cowardly Lion when he was standing in front of the Wizard. Shaking like a leaf until I run. Scared to damn death. I don’t know what it is about me and people but...
I’m just no good at it.
I used to say that I wouldn’t go out until I lost weight, or until I got my hair done or until I find the right outfit but I realize it’s just an excuse. I’m scared to death of social engagements but you know what else I realize?
I’ve done thing afraid before. I got married. I had a book release signing and party. I do a lot more tHan anxiety tells me to because I stopped waiting for until and just did it. If you want until the fear passes or until you have enough money or until you find the right man you’ll never do anything. Because those untold might never come and, before you know it, you’ll be laying in your bed in a missing home with wishes that you would have just done those things instead of memories of the great times you had experiencing life through your fears.
And you know what else? People are gonna y’all about if I’m there, and they might just talk about me if I’m not. They aren’t the problem. I was the one with the problem. I hid behind floating because it caused me not to give a damn. But I can not give a damn with my feet planted on the ground! Like Katt Williams said “It’s call SELF-esteem!!!”. I have to love me in order to accept me. So I did. I fell in love with myself. And you no what came along with that?
Not caring about anything anyone else thinks. Either you're gonna do it or I'm not. Either it's gonna work or it won't. But I won't know if I don't even try. And neither will you.
So, here are 5 things from my list of things to do before December 31, 2019. I’m sharing it with you so you can help me be accountable for them:
1. I want to be able to do 5 consecutive burpees.
2. Pay off my debt.
3. Go on a blind date.
4. Go out to dinner alone.
5. Learn how to step.
Now, I'm scared of speaking these things, because, once spoken, they become real. But I put it out there so now me and the Universe can work together to make it happen....