I Just Wanted to Read my Book...

That’s it. That’s all.

This was me, minus the fireplace. I was in my room, in my bed, minding my business. I have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning, so I’ve been cooling all day. My kids spent last night with the Starter Husband and got home a few hours ago. We has pizza for dinner, something quick and not so expensive, and the boys had baths and we’re watching TV. They had been arguing (as usual) which meant they had to be separated for a while. #1 got sent to bed early for throwing the first punch, #2 was in the living room minding his business, the Dragon Slayer was in her room doing whatever it is that she does, and #3, my Darling had finessed his way into my bed, resting on my pillow, watching Diners, Drive-In’s & Dives.

He’s an old soul.

I had reached my last nerve with the people in this world that called me Mom and announced that, if anyone else called my name, all entertainment would end and it would be bedtime. This threat was especially heinous because not only is tomorrow Saturday but they aren’t on summer break, which means a much later bedtime than usual. So they were ambitious with keeping their late-night status and stopped calling my name.

Thank God.

I had been feeling especially janky today, a mixture of my life being in shambles and PMS, and I was in no mood for anything. I decided to pick up a paperback I had purchased a while ago, Black Pain by Terrie M. Williams, and had settled into trying to figure out how I could fix my life in the remainder of 2019 so I could start the new year off right. This year has been exceptionally disrespectful to me and I was over it. I had to use this lull in my schedule to fix myself so I could be ready when it was my time.

I could finally feel my household settling down and delighted in the fact that I was about to get some premium reading done when My Darling turned away from the TV and said “Okay Mom. One more thing. No offense. Just one more question.”

I guess I should insert the fact that “no offense” was his new thing. It was supposed to make me not irritated by whatever old man thing was about to fly out of his 7 1/2 year old mouth but it mostly just made me shake my head and dismiss him from my presence. This time, not so much.

On with the story tho:

”One more thing: What if I grow up and my life doesn’t go right? What am I gonna do?”

Yeah. Those were his exact words.

I closed my book and gave up on getting myself together for a few minutes, preferring to address the irrational fear that my son was experiencing at the moment. I opened my mouth and closed it. Opened it again and closed. Open. Closed. I blinked a few times and stared into his large round eyes, waiting for me to tell him what he should do when his life doesn't got he way wants it to. When he‘s 38 and a divorced, single parent, trying to figure out how to quit his job, become a millionaire, best-selling author, award-winning blogger, fix his credit and find a man that loves him.

Oh wait. That’s me.

So I said the only thing that popped into my head:

”As long as you decide what you want to do and be, work hard to get or become it and believe in yourself, you’ll be happy. You won’t have to worry.”

I looked at him again, expecting a slew of follow up questions as usual, but he just nodded his head, sat back with his hands supporting his head, crossing his legs at the ankles and gave His attention back to Guy Fieri. Thank God.

What type of cruel, twisted jokes are you playing, Universe? How dare you use my child to make me pay attention? The audacity of you, forcing me to teach my son and myself a lesson, all at the same time?

While I don’t appreciate the irony, I am grateful for the lesson. Or for the reminder.

I’ve been studying manifestation, the Laws of Attraction and vibrations and energy for a few months now. I‘ve been learning about how to observe myself objectively so that I can grow as the person I want to be. To be confronted by this internal dialogue that I have been having with myself for months now was... well, scary.

But awakening at the same time.

It’s amazing how once you start believing in yourself and forgetting the things that no longer serve you, God will send you messages along the way to let you know that you’re on the right track. This lesson just so happened to be sent to me in the form of my youngest son. And I won’t forget.

As long as I know what I want, I stay focused in it and I work hard to achieve it, I can’t lose and I can’t fail. Because I’m constantly moving toward my goal and the life that I want.

So, now that the Universe has told me about myself, I’m gonna try to go back to reading my book.

Because that’s all I was trying to do...

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