Updated: Mar 10, 2019
...but is there a way to inflict minor injuries on yourself in a safe manner?
Asking for myself...
Like, I’ve thought about letting myself slip down the stairs, but there are way too many ways that could go wrong. Stabbing myself is out of the question. Of course. I heard a story about Visine but my Googler tells me that can go really bad really fast. I do have a headache but I think my wrap scarf might have been a bit too tight last night. Car accidents can injure other people and be expensive so that’s off the table as well. No scenario that flashed through the recesses of my mind seems like a good idea. I don't want to hurt myself in a way that will have permanent damage. Just enough that I will have to spend the morning and part of the afternoon NOT where I'm supposed to be.
Which is my daughter's funeral.
I have been trying to finesse my way out of this day for a little over a week and yet, here I sit, perfectly healthy.
Life is unfair.
I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I didn't really know what to talk about. Certain things just seem so ridiculously insignificant without her here. Why would I want to date or even THINK about a man? My daughter is gone. Why should I read books? Stacey hated reading. Why should I watch television or go out to eat or even hang out with my friends and laugh when the only person I want to talk to today is her?
Then, there are the dozens of people that love me and want to make sure that I'm okay. I've been overwhelmed with the "Do you need anythings" and the "I'm here if you need mes". And I appreciate it. I swear. God blessed me with the most caring and attentive friends a woman could ever wish on a star for.
But I don't know what to say other than "thank you" because no one can really give me what I need because I don't know what I need. Nothing can make me feel any better, honestly.
Plus, in situations like this, a person not only has to be strong for themselves, but also for those around them. I have an almost-grown step-daughter that has barely let me out of her sight since she got here. I have an 11 year old daughter that is so much like me, it's scary. I have 3 sons, 10, 8 and 7 that let nothing slow them down. I have parents that helped me raise my daughter like their daughter. I have the best friends in the world. My brother is here. I made t-shirts for the family and friends myself. I've occupied every possible moment of my days since February 25th with loads of things to do, in order to take my mind off this day.
Because there is ANYWHERE IN THIS WORLD that I would rather be than in a funeral home, preparing myself to listen to a family friend eulogize my 18 year-old daughter.
So, in usual Damn It, Sam fashion, I have decided to write my feelings. However, that's been challenging in itself because I don't know what my feelings are. I miss my Stacey already, but I'm not sure it's sadness. I'm significantly irritated and angry with the Universe for the short time I had with her, but that seems a little selfish, so I don't wanna feel that. I have an issue with personal space and this is a situation where people will be constantly hugging me all day long, and that is giving me anxiety. I haven't been eating much, but I'm not really hungry so eating my feelings is out.
The truth is I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. I don't really know what to do. But I guess there is no way around it, so I'm gonna go and get ready to put on all black and hang out with friends and family for a few hours. Stacey loved family parties and barbecues, because she loved everyone telling her how beautiful she's grown up to be. She was destined to be the center of attention. It just sucks so much that this party is in her honor and she won't be here with us to enjoy.
I love you Chief...