Grand Rising, my first-rate friends, and a happy Mondaying to you.
I hope that this past weekend has left you ridiculously happy. Or at the very least, optimistic about your impending happiness. I don't know about you, but I'm always on the lookout for the slightest batch of good vibes.
And today, I need them. Do you wanna know why? Because it's time for some blatant honesty.
I am a liar.
Hold on, before you click that notification to ignore everything else I have to say, let me explain.
As I'm sure you know, 2019 has not been short on stress. I've had my fair share of emotional rollercoaster and I am determined to stop this ride and hop off.
I've told you about my endeavors to fully embrace loving Damn It, Sam as much as humanly possible. I've been meditating and studying, quieting myself and concentrating on hearing more from my higher self. But, in the midst of all of that self-care, I built this emotional wall around myself, letting no one, and I do mean no one, inside.
And this is one high-tech wall, y'all. Complete with surveillance system, TSA-worthy x-ray vision, barbed wire and a moat filled with the fiercest alligators that my mind could produce.
I thought I was taking no chances with someone's nappy headed son intruding on my high vibrations.
But the problem with my security measures is that it has given me a false sense of comfort. I took all of these measures not to let anyone in, so I've been chilling in here alone. And lonely as hell. I thought that I was protecting myself from getting hurt, but I was also limiting my ability to be able to love and trust again.
But Damn It, Sam! Weren't you just sliding into someone's DMs? Didn't you say that you met a nice young lad that had most of the characteristics that you were looking for in a potential beau? Absolutely! I sure did. But the problem is, the combination of lying to myself and trying to be someone that I am not wore me out super quick.
This is where the unveiling of my veil of lies came in.
I went out to dinner with one of my friends this weekend and she read me in a way that most people cannot. A series of seemingly conversational questions was like a bulldozer through the front door of my emotional wall. She tore me all the way down, and I don't think she even realizes it. I told her about the issues that I was having with the new object of my affection and my frustration. She listened like the good BFF that she is and do you know what she had the unmitigated gall to say to me???
"You're lying. You're hiding behind all of that fake attitude because you're scared to death."
And just like that, she burst my bubble and went back to eating her pasta and drinking her fruity drink with an umbrella sticking out of it.
How dare you read my life and go back to drinking that Mai Tai ma’am? When did you start assaulting me with the damn truth? I am usually on the shade side of these conversations but I couldn't do anything but put my head down.
She was right. I'm a big girl liar.
Because of all the pain that I have endured in the past few years, with my separation and divorce, then the rebuilding of my life only to have it torn down by the death of my daughter. My emotions are shot. They are as unstable as a game of drunk Jenga. I'm wobbly right now. And, in my pursuit of trying to feel better, I told myself that I only wanted shallow relationships because I wasn't ready for something substantial. When asked what type of man I wanted, my answer has always been "I want a handsome Black friend who I can have sex with on a regular basis". Something deep but detached. Something physical without emotion. But that is not true at all. I want to be loved and I want to be in love.
But the thought of being in another relationship had me shaking in my Air Max.
Going through a divorce made me scared to love but losing my daughter amped that up to down-right panicky. I loved my Starter Husband but the loved that I had for My Chief was unmatched. And she's gone. And I don't know what to do with all of this love that she left me with. I don't know how to love anyone, let alone a man.
But the truth is, I really REALLY wanna try.
So, the truth shall set a bunch of people free, but it starts with me. In order to be free from the things that we feel are holding us back, we have to embrace the ugly truths that we try to avoid because of pain.
If anything, the last year or so have taught me that pain is an unavoidable part of life. It's okay to avoid it temporarily, but in order to move forward and evolve and grow completely, the truth has to be revealed and accepted.
Mine just so happened to be thrown in my face by a friend that was tipsy on Applebee's $1 cocktails. But sometimes the best messages come from the most unexpected places.
So, on this Happy Monday, my mood is free. I spent the weekend meditating with binaural beats, a spiritual shower (because I have a harsh distaste for actual baths) and an earned float session, my vibrations are once again on the upswing. I am refocus, encouraged and living in my truth.
And that, lovebug, is a whole Damn It, Sam mood...
How is your mood today? How you feeling? Let me know. I'm really REALLy interested...