Grand Rising, good people. Today is Monday, and Mondays have a reputation for being rude and unreasonable. So I’m just checking in, trying to gauge the emotional temperature for the week.
How you doin???
I don’t know about you, but the past week has been exceptionally disrespectful. And I don’t mean the usual attitude. I mean out-right, bald-headed disrespect.
I’m blaming it in the retrograde because... why not?
As much as I have been trying to ignore it, I honestly think that life is just catching up with me. Or maybe it’s trying to run me over. I’ve been pushing myself super hard since February, trying to be okay for my kids and my parents and my friends. But a sista is tired. I mean... TIED. So tired that I’ve been lying in bed eating Raisinets all weekend.
It just seems that life is moving and time keeps ticking and I’m still stuck. My friends are losing weight and having relationships and traveling, getting better jobs and living their best lives. While I’m standing here, fat and stuck.
Not that I’m not grinding. My books, my shirts, trying to get my IG numbers up. But my meditation game has been off, my focus isn’t where it has been and I am seriously unmotivated. All I’ve wanted is my bed and candy.
At least I haven’t had a Pepsi.
One of my best friends called me yesterday and commented that I haven’t been myself. She said I’ve been acting like a robot, just moving but no emotion. I tried to change the subject and talk about her, but she wasn’t going. I hemmed and hawed, arguing with myself about what I wanted to say, mostly because I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just unhappy. Nothing has changed, for the worse or the better. I’m just... sad.
”You know its okay to be sad. You’ve been through a trauma.”
And I realized. I miss my daughter.
I don't even know when the act started. I thought I was hiding it well but, clearly, I’m loud and wrong again. I’ve been spending so much time and energy making sure that my kids are okay and my parents are okay and my friends are okay since my daughter’s passing but I’m not okay. I am not okay. And I not have to be okay because I my daughter died and I’ll never see her again. I’ve never said that out loud and I don’t know if I ever will be able today it but typing it is a start. It’s been almost 5 months and it still feels like it happened yesterday. It’s like a nightmare that I’ve been pretending I’m not having.
I hate crying. I have been conditioned to believe it’s a sign of weakness. The Starter Husband yelled that tears were childish and made me a bad wife. I realize that it’s all a lie but, once it’s in you, it’s kinda hard to get out of you. But I cried Because I needed to. It’s like boiling pasta; if you don’t watch it, it will overflow and make a HUGE mess.
I’ve been distracting myself with any and everything I can find in order not to acknowledge the pain I feel, but the distractions are having less and less of an effect. I won’t be able to hide from it much longer and that is a scary thought. I’ve been depressed before and it was no fun at all, so I swore an oath to myself that it wouldn't happen again. But grief doesn't ask permission. It doesn’t care what I have to do or what else I have going on. Doesn’t care about bills or kids or obligations. Grief just barged into life and took over, grabbing the remote control and putting its feet up in my coffee table like it has plans on being here for a while.
But as Ill-mannered and snippy as grief is, my loved ones are even more saucy and my mind is even stronger. So I’m not writing this to bring you down, but I am telling my business. I know I’m not the only person that has been in this position before, but I also know that it’s okay for me not to be okay. Its okay for me not to be motivated or ambitious or energetic or unbothered. I am very, very bothered. And I might be bothered for a while.
But not forever.
My mood changes like the seasons in Chicago. It’s summer right now, but a switch in the direction of the breeze and it could start snowing. It’s been known to happen here. So don’t worry about me. My mood might be a little gloomy right now but the sun always shines after a while and it comes with a rainbow promise. I will always miss my Stacey. Always. But it’s not my forever mood.
It’s okay to not be in the mood. It’s okay to be down or not feel like being encouraging because I surely don’t. But I surely don’t want to feel like this for too long. So my intentions for this week are to stay positive and hopeful, expecting to be better everyday. And so I will.
what about you?