Updated: Mar 27, 2019
I am a self-proclaimed nun.
I know that I joke about this a lot, and I would like to say that it is because there is a shortage of handsome, wealthy, big-girl loving Black men in the world. And there is.
But that is not the only reason that I'm on lockdown.
It's a choice.
A personal decision, if you like that better. I choose not to participate in a romantic relationship right now, especially here of late. And I would also like to use the excuse that it is because I am grieving the loss of my daughter. Which I am. But that's not the only reason I have.
It's because sex makes women lose their grip on good sense, and I can't be bothered.
I have placed myself in the "Penis Protection Program."
It doesn't matter if you haven't heard of it. That's probably because I just made it up about 15 minutes ago when I was standing in the line at the grocery store.
There is this phrase going around the world that I don't care for: dickmatized. I don't like the verbiage but the concept is true. I should know, because I tried to base a marriage on the concept. Whether we like it or not, good sex changes lives; sometimes for the good and sometimes for the not so good. It can cloud judgment, scramble senses and cause an intellectual woman to make stupid decisions.
I would usually insert an example of a stupid decision here, but I won't today. Some situations hit too close to home, and I genuinely care about the feelings of myself and my people.
Anyway, I have chosen celibacy as a lifestyle until (1) I can be trusted to make better decisions or (2) God sends a man to find me that can be classified as a better decision. It is no secret that good sex usually comes along with a lot of baggage. Crazy ex-girlfriends, crazier ex-wives, even crazier baby mamas. Mama's boys. Work-a-holics. Men with no cars, no careers and nothing to put on their non-existent table but their penis.
And that's unsanitary.
I have been pretty lonely lately. Having someone close to you pass away is difficult, but it being my children is... weird. I've never lost anyone close to me so I haven't had much experience with grief. My only reference point is how I usually deal with stress and that's floating and sarcasm. But that doesn't feel right so I haven't been applying it. It would be nice to have some company. A man with strong shoulders to cry on a few times a week. Among other things. I even read an article that said that a person's sex drive increases exponentially when they have suffered a substantial trauma. I would categorize losing my Chief as trauma.
But I refuse to get all caught up in something that won't last.
A friend of mine told me that I had a pass right now. I can do what I want and hide it under the guise of temporary insanity due to PTSD. No doubt that it would help me feel better, but it would also greatly put my aggressive refusal of pregnancy at risk. I am deathly allergic to carrying another baby. Me and Jesus discussed it and it's off the table.
I also am nursing a broken heart and I can't risk the pieces that I have left. Couple that with the fact there are all new sorts of STDs and STIs and bugs and diseases. I don't like mosquito bites so I'm almost positive I have no use for a sexually transmitted disease. It's just not my thing.
I'm not bitter. I know that my past relationships weren't just hard; they were lessons. I was led by lust and emotions and now my heart is closed for repairs, so I'm leading with my brain. She's a bit cold, but cold preserves living cells and I have a lot of life left in me. Consider me in self-preservation mode.
So, I am committed to the Penis Protection Program. I am currently on the lookout for a tailored-fitting habit in a size 24. I'm not joking. I'm trying to hold on to any semblance of good sense that I have left, and I refuse to lose it on a man that isn't equal to or exceeding what I have to offer. My next relationship with be with a man that has equal the risk as I do, if not more. And #AllAbbreviationsMatter. That first "P" can be interchangeable to include men too. I'm not excluding anyone.