“I am a crazy ex.”
Its okay to admit it. There is power in the truth.
I recently ended a relationship and I mean recently like yesterday. I didn’t make a big fuss. Didn’t bust any windows, slash any tires, cancel anyone’s electricity. I didn’t even tell him.
I just made a decision.
I didn’t need anyone’s permission to do so. Relationships are voluntary and I made an executive decision to not be a part of one anymore. I made this decision because I don’t want to be labeled a “crazy ex”. Again.
I used to take offense to being called that. I’m not crazy! At least, I don’t believe so. But the more I think about it, the more I understand why women wind up being called crazy.
Let me explain.
You meet a man. He’s cute and smells good and says amazing things. He takes you out and appears interested in your life. He texts you every morning, calls you every afternoon and FaceTime you every night. He sees to be trustworthy so you introduce him to your friends. Eventually your kids. Possibly your parents. You let him spend the night. You get to know him and you let him get to know you.
You spend nights talking about the past, the future, hopes and dreams. He sees you naked, and I don’t just mean without clothes. You show him what hurts you and he promises that he can be trusted.
You get comfortable.
And because you get comfortable, you start to let him climb over the concrete protection wall that you erected to keep the riffraff out. You spill your secrets, shed some tears and fall in love. And why wouldn't you? He seems like the answer to the late-light-loneliness prayers that you whispered into your pillow, asking God to make this one different from the last one. And it seems like that prayer was answered.
Until it wasn't anymore.
Somewhere along the line, you felt a shift. Everything still seemed the same, but something felt different. You tried to ignore the alarm, but it started becoming, bold and In-your-face. He replaces phone calls with text messages. He stops putting heart eye emojis under your selfies. He starts to disappear, blaming it on kids, or family or work. Eventually you stop looking at the discrepancies and start to blame yourself for him pushing you away. Maybe you invaded his spaces too much, maybe you pushed too hard, maybe you did something wrong.
I know that there can be a lot more questions and answers to this portion of the end of a relationship but this is where I got off. I don't need explanations or excuses. I just need to stop. Not a rolling stop. Not an in-and-out. Just halt.
We're done here, son.
See, people say that you become crazy because to them, your closure is too much. You just want answers. You wanna know where you went wrong and what you can do to fix it, but he's not even important right now. Stop trying to put a closure on anything but a sew-in. He was done the first time he pushed your call to voicemail.
And you only get one time to show Sam she's no longer the desired company.
Am I mad? Sad? Depressed? Angry? Vengeful? NOPE.
Mildly irritated at the most. And maybe a little hungry.
As an active participant in any relationship I reserve the right to leave it is not giving me what I need. i have no problem givin what is needed, so I deserve the same in return. My time is valuable and, if I don't respect it, why would anyone else? You are worth more than an explanation of that man's insufficiencies. Yes, I gave him my time. Yes, I showed him my vulnerabilities. Yes, I invested. And it didn't show a return. That's the risk you take. You can't win if you don't play.
So I'm claiming crazy ex this time but not the way you think. But not because of broken heart shenanigans. I left those in my 20s. I'm crazy now because I blocked him and started my moving on so if he tries to call or text, I won't see it. I don't want to. I am training myself to let things so and keep moving. Life is shorter than too short and I can't waste the finite beats of my heart on someone that doesn't want them. Nor am I interested in trying to convince a dude I'm enough. I just have a feeling that someone is about to come along that is going to show me why nothing else worked out.
I want the jokers out of the way so that I can see him clearly...