Happy Weekending, you beautiful people, you.
Do you know why people don't usually develop health problems until their 40s?
Because young adults in their 20s and early 30s have no damns to give. About anything.
When I was in my 20s, all I cared about was my daughter, the man I was chasing, and money. Das it. I didn't care about 401ks and pensions and the state of the Union and mortgages and dental insurance and savings accounts. Didn't care about hurtful words, hurting feelings or broken hearts. I lived in the moment and it showed. These new worries are more the middle-age variety and they are getting on my nerves. Along with these new financial and parental worries has come another: heartburn.
Or acid reflux, if you prefer.
When I was pregnant with my Chief I was only 19. I had my parents encouraging adoption, my boyfriend (at the time) arguing strongly against it, as well as my own thoughts and feelings to process. Not too long after she was born, I was diagnosed with ulcers from all of that stress. I promised myself I wouldn't worry about anything else.
Right now, I'm sitting at my kitchen table writing to you because I am pissed tf off and I've really been trying to keep my stress level down. I'm no spring chicken and I have already experienced a plethora of stress in 2019. I was trying to glide through the rest of the year unscathed, but one person in this world refuses to let me be great.
And its gotten on my very last #DamnItSam nerve.
I've tried being nice. I've tried being quiet. I've even tried self-examination. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I trigger this person in some way. Maybe I should try a different approach.
Well, my loves, I am all out of approaches.
I'm closer to 40 than 30 now, and I feel like maturity has clouded my judgment a bit. I used to curse people out and walk away with no worries of what tomorrow holds. I have gotten unusually good at ending relationships. It's kinda scary, but it is a self-preservation skill. "Get rid of them before I go to jail for assault and battery" has become my rule of thumb. But life has taught me that Karma is a real thing and you have to be careful how you treat people.
I have learned that quality is more important than quantity as far as my relationships are concerned and that I am a great person that deserves to have great people around her. I don't HAVE to talk to anyone. I don't HAVE to catch whatever people throw at me. I have standards and I should stand behind them. I don't always have to have the last word, or be the first to pop off. I have to learn self-control.
Yeah well... I'm over it. Rising about is giving me heartburn.
And heartburn usually means that I can't each anything flavorful for a few days, so now I'm mad mad. Every time I interact with a certain person, I can feel my esophagus being burned by stomach acid. Internalizing things has kind of become my thing, but no more. I'm gonna start letting all of that mess out. Because if you are bold enough to dish it out, you should be bold enough to take it, right? Right.
And just so you know, there is a great chance that I won't let it all out. At least, not on the person. It's just not in me. But I appreciate you for listening to me rant. I feel better now....