Happy hump day, peeps!
Thanks for coming to check on your friendly, neighborhood big girl blogger.
Im still here. Still black. Still big girl fine...
Sooooo, this past week, my comfort zone quotient has been decreased even more. I think it’s the combination of residual effects from the soon-ending retrograde and the fact that all of my friends are in relationships, adding in the personal growth work I’ve been doing for the past few months.8 was serious about getting myself together.
Nothing screams “re-evaluate yourself” like your child passing away.
Anyways, some of the notes that I’ve taken from objectively observing my self and all the decisions and emotions that come along with Sam, I’ve noticed that fear still plays a huge part in my thought processes and choices. I am scared of rejection, scared of success, scared of failure, scared of the unknown, scared of love...
Yeah. It’s a lot.
And all of those fears put together usual end in Sam having an anxiety attack and shrinking away from something that I really want to do.
I’ve gone on a grand total of 1 real date in my whole life, and now me and the guy are friends. And not the good kind because we had nothing in common other than the fact that he has a 6-pack and I enjoyed seeing his 6-pack. I mean real date where the man drives, chooses and pays. Not where he waits til he thinks my kids will be sleep to ask if he can slide theough so we can ”talk”.
What was I saying? Oh yeah...
Historically, meeting new people terrifies me, especially men. The men that I have been romantically in love with throughout my life have not been nice to me, and none of those relationships ended on a positive note. So I have observed that, even though I want to date, I hide behind all of my responsibilities and say I don’t have time to date, rather than just speak truthfully to myself and say I don’t make time to date.
There. I said it.
And since you have to change some things in order to receive the change that you want, I changed a few things last week. Which brings me to the topic of my post.... *insert drumroll here*...
Damn ain’t, Sam slid into some DMs!!!
I joined a few FB groups and watched the flow of the conversation for a few days before working up the nerve to jump right on in. The first thing that I noticed was that a lot of things have changed. The verbiage is different, there are several acronyms that I don’t know the definitions of and people are forward. Very forward. Which was kind of off putting at first, but the writer brain that I own is good st creating personas that allow me to adapt to social media conversations easily.
i liked a few pics, read a few comments, created a few posts and BOOM! My inbox was popping. I didnt even have to post any naked or suggestive pics (not that I would have) but just the thumbs up here and there was enough to put some of the men in the group on the scent of the fresh meat.
Fresh meat meaning me.
I stalker screened all of the messages, weeding my way through the riffraff and chose one perspective. After consulting my 2 single friends (I love my married friend but she is even more out of practice than I am) on what to say and sent the message. They gave me some advice that I'm sure they know I would never take, so I took that as a clue that maybe I should handle this new-found territory alone. And guess what???
A very laid back conversation ensued. We got some common questions answered and I put it out there that, when the young lad had some free time, I would like to meet him and rap a taste. Maybe hang out for a bit. And he agreed. So we did.
How easy was that???
I got all riled up over nothing. That just showed me how irrational my fears are. Or were. I’m sure I still have them, and I’m considering sliding into a few more, but I realize that I have been stopping myself from moving forward in my life. I let the wounds of my past keep me from really going after something that I want. Granted I didn’t actually go anywhere yet, but still. I put it out into the Universe that I want to start dating, I made a list about the characteristics I would like a potential boo to have and I let it go, continuing work on myself.
After all, it’s nice to have someone that you enjoy spending time with. But if you aren’t totally, completely and head-over-heels in love with yourself, another person won’t matter.
And while you’re busy doing that, the love of your life will find its way to you.
Or at least a really handsome young lad...
Slid into any good DMs lately? Let me hear about it!
And if you like what you've been reading lately, share me with your timeline. Don't be so stingy...🎀