I have had thee hardest time praying and meditating since my Chief passed away.
I'm not mad at God or anything. He knows what He's doing better than I, so who am I to judge His decisions?
I haven‘t really prayed in the traditional sense. I mean, there hasn’t been any wrenching of my tunic or sackcloth and ashes since my Elder Sam days a few years ago. However, even though my spiritual life lacks a church building, my faith hadn’t wavered. I am no longer a person that needs a church building to feel a connection to God.
Pre-Grief, I was meditating something fierce. Every morning before work and most evenings before bed, I cranked the lavender in my diffuser, turned on the soothing sounds app and got my inhale/exhale on. I was studying the Laws of Mainfestation and even did a 55x5 chart. Once. While I understood the theory behind that one, it was a bit too much for me. My attention deficit kicks in around 12. 13 at the most.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah...
I was getting in a meditation groove. I had a whole schedule and them my Chief left me and I can't keep my mind on one thing for too long.
It's not because I don't try. I made those 15,000 t-shirts for the funeral and, since then, I've been making things almost non-stop: tote bags for a wine trip, birthday pop out t-shirts, a few wine glass/shot glass combinations, some gifts for my niece. Plus my 4 remaining little broke best friends are keeping me busy with their constant need for food, entertainment and attention.
But, for some reason, I have not been able to sit still and breathe.
Then a few days ago, Mo, my youngest daughter, and I were watching new episodes of her new favorite Netflix Original series "On My Block". I'm not gonna go into details but, if you haven't watched it, you definitely should. Jamal is my favorite.
One of the minor characters went into labor and Jasmine (another favorite character) told her,
"I need you to calm down a breathe. Don't worry about him.
You need to be smelling the flowers and blowing out the candles."
I felt that in my shondo.
I have been so worried about my kids adjusting and my household and my parents and my man crush situation and my finances and my book release and going back to work next week that I have forgotten all about the concept that meditation taught me: Life is a gift. Live in the present. I haven't stopped to appreciate the moments that have passed. I've been trying to fill my minutes with stuff so I won't get caught up in missing my baby and it shows. I'm ridiculously anxious. I haven't been eating. I've taken to bed most times if I'm not doing anything. I know that my child passing away is traumatic and I need time to process and grieve, but I also know that I can't live in the past. Moments unappreciated can't be relived. Once they're gone, they're gone.
Take some time to smell the flowers and blow out the candles. If all you can do is get up in the morning and make up your bed, consider that a small victory. Congratulate yourself with a deep breath, in and out. Hey, try 2 of those jokers. Because you deserve to celebrate life, and so do it.
Worrying about things only brings those worries to manifestation and I don't have the time nor the intestinal fortitude to mourn anything else right now. I know that I have to hurt. As much as I would like, there is just no getting around it. And you might have to hurt right now too. But that doesn't mean that you can enjoy the sunshine between the thunderstorms. Meditating is cool but now I have to start all over because I'm a different person now. I'm working on becoming the best Damn It, Sam ever, and so I will. Every great change starts with an idea and every idea started with one breath.