So I Have this problem...
I apologize. A LOT.
my friends brought it to my attention a while ago and I knew it, but I didn't know it was so obvious.
When My Chief died, I found myself in a position to ask people for things. That isn’t how I live my life. I was married to a man that made me feel terrible about asking him for things. Every request was thrown back in my face and made to look like a weakness so I figured out how to do most things for my kids and I alone and for myself.
My daughter wanted a new hairstyle? Cool! I can’t pay for it, but I’ll Youtube it. Actually, that’s how I learned how to crochet and make t-shirts. It was more out of necessity and lack of funds than ambition. God just graced me to be able to finesse it into a couple of secondary incomes. But when she passed away, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I was good for absolutely nothing, and my friends stepped in to help me. They asked what I needed and when I told them I said, "I'm sorry if I'm doing too much."
One of them pulled me to the side and said, "Um... fool. Stop apologizing. We got you". I didn't even realize I was saying it. I just didn't want to be an inconvenience.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. My bad.
I apologize too much.
And I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing it more and more often these past few months. My nieces and cousins have gone on prom and, since prom send offs are all the rage these days, they’ve had parties and invited me. It’s not that I’m not supportive because I am. I love my family and friends. But it’s difficult to celebrate someone else’s milestones when I’m supposed to be celebrating Stacey’s.
She was only 18 and about to graduate high school.
So proms, graduations... Sore spots. At least right now.
I’m sure it won’t be like this forever But it’s still fresh. And I don’t expect everyone to understand. If you have never lost a child, you couldn’t understand the feelings. You can sympathize, but there are definitely emotions that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
So if you invite me somewhere and I don’t show up, don’t take it personally. It’s nothing against you, I promise. I don't want to let anyone down, or feel like I am. So I say I'm sorry, and I am... but I'm not. Its called self-preservation. I have to get myself together so I can keep moving.
Actually, it’s more of me keeping you in mind. If your son or daughter is graduating from high school this year, it is their time to shine. They have worked hard and it’s time for them to pop their collars and accept all congratulations. You don’t need me trying to hide my tears and blowing my nose into kleenex in the background, ruining all of the pictures and raining on the parade. I so appreciate the invitations, but I will politely decline.
It’s not about me. It’s about you.
So I’m sorry.
Damn it. I didn’t it again. Sorry.