I am not in the mood for today.
This is the first day that I realized how this is gonna go from now on.
Since my Chief passed away, I have not been by myself. My oldest daughter, The Boss, came home from school for a week and stayed with me the first 2 days because I couldn't sleep by myself. The only thing worse than Sad Sam and Starving Sam is Sleepy Sam.
That fool is crazy.
So, since I had to take care of my smaller children, she stayed with me. You might remember her from the blog post she wrote while I was on break. Then, when she left, the Boy Best Friend stayed with me. But now he went out of town, and my brother was here, staying with me from the East Coast. But he left today and its just me and my Four.
My Chief isn't coming home.
Every time I've gotten sad, I've occupied my attention in other places: Making shirt, blinging jackets, online shopping, actual shopping and cleaning. I've cleaned so much my house almost looks normal. My kids are slowing me down with their constant need to drop stuff on the floor and eat. But today I let myself cry for 5 minutes. Then I put all of my purchases in order and reorganized my room. I did a lap around the house to let the boys know I was still in the building. I came back in my room and completed the SEO Checklist for my website so that I could be found my readers and now I'm talking to you.
Anyway, I am a big fan of Black cinema. Call me what you want, but I am a big fan of seeing people that look like me, acting like somebody else. Dreams come true for a plump princess from the Southeast Side of Chicago such as myself. And, when I was pregnant with Stacey, The Wood was my movie of choice. I had preeclampsia when I was carrying her so bedrest was how I lived my life until she was born. I watched it every day. No joke. Every. Day. Her dad used to get mad at me because I wouldn't leave my house until I had watched the entire movie at least once. I don't know what it was about it, but I was enamored my Omar Epps. Not just the actor, but also the role that he played. In love with one woman from a very young age. He knew he loved her from the first moment he saw her and, even though years had passed and they had both moved on, different relationships and even different cities, Mike and Alicia's hearts found their way back to each other.
Why am I sharing this and what does it have to do with daughter?
That's how she got her name.
In the movie, Alicia had a super-hood, ride-or-die, gansta brother whose name was Stacey. I knew he was supposed to be tough, but he always made me laugh and awww because he was willing to beat up a dude that grabbed his little sister's butt on the playground. I wanted my baby to be tough and aggressive, but also soft and caring and that's what God gave me. My Chief, Stacey Hannah Strahan. My rider.
So today's not a good day for me. I'm a bit emotional, sad that my life has to keep moving even though she's not here. I have to find my new normal. But she's riding with me everywhere now.
So I ain't got no worries...