I had the dumbest dream last night and woke up with an attitude. And my friends made me cry on the way to work.
Let me start over so you can get a better understanding.
Yesterday, I made the conscious decision to swear off dating. It’s was a odd decision for me to make considering I don’t go on dates. Guys don’t ask me out. As a matter of fact, they don’t say hi. They don’t flirt with me. Most times they don’t even seem to notice that I enter nor leave the room. I get nothing.
And I’m tired of it.
I’m always the girl that guys make friends with so they can get close to my friend, or because they need something, or because they want something. All of my relationships have ended because of infidelity, and not on my part. I get lied to, then cheated on, then left.
Every. Single. Time.
So I decided no more. I’m just not going to participate. Like the casino slogan goes “You can’t win if you don’t play”. But you can’t lose either. So I’m done.
And then my dreams betrayed me.
Last night, I dreamed I was in love. I don’t know who it was because I couldn’t see his face but I could feel it. I could feel his love for me And it was so deep and so pure and I was so happy.
And I woke up with an attitude.
I yelled at my subconscious in my head: “Didn’t I tell you I was done? DIDN’T I??? Didn’t I say I don’t want to feel this? I’m done, you hear me? DONE!”
And I heard my subconscious say: You big dummy.
I did what I always do and talked to my friends about it and they said “Well Sam, you can be a little intimidating.”
Then I came to work and told my friend and she said “Well...”
So I scare men? WTF? How???
I might be a little on the chubby side, but I don’t think that’s a big deal. Have you seen My 600LB Life? Weight clearly isn’t as much of an issue as I was made to think when I was younger. I’m cute. I have my own car and my own money. I take care of my own kids. I run my own business and I have a job. I pay my bills on time. I have good communication skills. I smell good and dress nice. I’m loyal and honest, yet soft-spoken. I know how to step back and let the man take the lead.
Those are all good qualities, right?
Clearly wrong. Loud and wrong.
The truth is that other’s people’s perception of me is important. Not for self-esteem, but definitely when dating. After all, you want to be attractive and attract someone so they have to like what they see. As do I. I guess the pain comes from knowing that I am a good person overal, but I’m being perceived in a way that I’m not intending and I don’t know how to be anyone other than me. Hearing that I am intimidating sounds like I’m not attractive and that hurts to hear.
I got myself together enough to wipe my tears and get in the building, and now I’m sitting in then bathroom at work, Googling how to not be an intimidating woman. But I stopped after the first article. Why should I have to change anything about me? It‘s taken me a long time have the level as confidence that I have and I am not in the mood to go back to trying to make myself invisible so that other people can stand out. I do want a relationship, but I want someone to love me the way I am.
I don’t want to scare any man away, but I don have standards. I just want someone that will meet me where I am. Handsome. Ambitious. Responsible. Funny... Not a bad list. A perfect list, I think.
Is that too much to ask???
Clearly it is..